Tuesday, December 27, 2011

If I have to see one more headless shot...

on some dude's dating profile that shows off how "ripped" he is... so help me i have no response but seriously fellahs.  put on a goddamn shirt for your profile picture.  seriously, we're not like dudes who see one boob and are all HEEBAHABBAHORBA (pants around the ankles).  i'm more impressed by you if you have on a cool rock tee and your hair is mess.  and i take it all back if your ryan gosling or jake gyllenhaal.  you can be shirtless whenever. 

Sunday, December 25, 2011

a 30 something... tis the season!

It's the most wonderful time of the year.  Even if there isn't any snow and I can go outside in a sweater and not freeze my tucas off.  It's also the time of year to see old friends. 

The singleton's problem... making reservations.  You are making reservations w/ your favorite best friend and his/her significant other and the hostess asks, "how many will there be?"  Singleton's reponse?  "Three."  Yup.  The third wheel.  You show up and it's pretty obvious who is the "third" in the group.  Hopefully, your friends are like mine and it's not the "poor single friend" conversation over a martini and dinner rolls.

Christmas eve the family is over and of course there's the "when are you going to settle down" talk.  Followed by the "when are you going to stop stealing extra candy when no one is looking" burn.  Or the "why are you still single? You should find someone."  Ok. I guess now I can start dating since apparently I've forgotten to do that this past year.  (Although, maybe I have forgotten how to date!  That's another blog).

Now, presents are opened, food is in the oven and you can't shake fa la la la from your head.  A big cup of Starbucks Christmas Blend (I throw it out there just in case they ever want to throw me some free SB sometime.  Yes, I'm a sellout) and a yummy cookie to start the day, because Christmas is the day cookies are a totally acceptable breakfast.  Fuzzy socks are on and so is the yulelog in the background while gathering up ripped ribbon and cookie crumbs.  (Ok, I can be a messy cookie eater. That's what vacuums are for.) Well, maybe not the yulelog.  I think there is a Chopped marathon on Food Network.  Nothing like the mystery ingredients after St. Nick has stopped by.

Well, my coffee cup is empty.  Happy Christmas, Merry Hanukkah, Have a good Sunday and anything else I've missed!

Friday, November 25, 2011

Lazy BFS

Today's agenda: shopping, shoot, show. 

And no, not ridic black friday shopping at 3 am. i am more of a "what's going on around noon?" shopper.  I already can't stand an average Tuesday afternoon at the mall let alone hoards of crazy-eyed shoppers with walkie talkies speaking in their abbreviated code about a snuggie.  Noooo thank you.  Cyber monday is where it's at (i got two turn tables and a microphone last black friday).

I do have friends that do the 1 am alarm and tag team Target for ipods and pajama jeans.  I'll sometimes see if I can persuade them to grab a thing or two for me so I can still remain all pajama-ed (not jeans) with a cup of coffee at my laptop. 

So today, I'll venture out and see what's leftover, what late morning sales they try to drag out for the lazy BFS like me (Black Friday Shopper code talk.  I just like codes.)  I'll grab my latte and hit the streets. 

Then come back today.  Do some family pictures at a camp.  And acoustic rock it out at a club tonight.  Where I'm from, a club means = members only jackets, rip off chance games and a back room that may have a deer head hanging in it.  Not oomcha oomcha oomcha bass and strobe lights.  Only smoke in the room will be from Marlboros. 

Monday, November 7, 2011

the boss makes me...

what is it about bruce springsteen's voice that when I hear it, i feel like i'm listening to an old friend.  Sigh.

Sunday, October 30, 2011

mini halloween party blurb

This was the year of men in drag for Halloween.  There's nothing wrong w/ a guy expressing himself in a lovely chiffon piece w/ matching undergarments.  But if I saw one more sack o' nuts last night...

Of course there were your slutty: firemen, cops, referees, butterflies, witches and the chick who just decided lingerie was a good enough costume.

I was a detective.  Olivia Benson, Special Victims Unit.  Or, I had to shoot a wedding and thought, "what goes w/ dark pants and a dark top?  A badge, handcuffs and aviator sunglasses."  I should have won something, right?  I put in more effort than the girl in the pink lace nighty... right?  Sigh.

There's always that one or two people who walk in that you think, I don't want to see you on a normal night, let alone a night you dress up and get even more psychotic. 

Oh, and seriously, again...  no sack o' nuts please.  Thanks!  Sincerely, Me.

Saturday, October 29, 2011

a 30-something... Recap

Was just at the Safeway.
Sorry everyone, it's been a while since my last blog. I barely have had time to comb my hair (so if you see me, pay no attention to the gigantic dreadlock-like knots)so unfortunately, I slacked here.

Let me get you caught up.

I travel to Northern VA a few times a year to visit with my best friend and her family. Friday, while they were at work, I ventured into Old Town Warrenton on my own with my camera. Stopped at a lovely bakery... got a muffin and iced tea. Then, off to a fair trade jewelry/clothing store. Really nice day... THEN...

I decided to go to the old jail museum. I listened to the history from the nice older man volunteering and couldn't wait to visit the solitary confinement area. Yeah, I'm a weirdo like that. Then, I heard it. This voice... the kind of voice you hear when your parents said - don't talk to strangers. That jolly-creepy Mr. Hanky kind of voice (South Park reference if you didn't know). "Great, I'm going to get stuck w/ him," I thought while looking at prison toothbrushes. Yup. I did. Stopped me to ask if I'd like to go visit his mu.zee.um. Then on and on about how he has his own and would I like to come and see it? He was a slight, older man w/ the 50's slicked back hair. He wrote down the address and added, "It's behind the Safeway... you know where the Safeway is?" Asked for my phone number and name. (Sorry random number I made up, and I really hope no one there is named Hilda!) Told a not-pc joke and added, "I liiiike to make people laugh? Do you like to laugh? I'll make you laugh all day long if you come to my museum."

Yeah, I think by laugh he means, beg for freedom when he has you shackled to his radiator. Apparently his "museum" is an apartment behind the Safeway. The kind volunteer told me. Thanks creepster. Ruined my jail time. Basically sprinted through the rest in case I got stuck with him in maximum security. And I could not guarantee that I wouldn't shove him in and jump over the metal staircase. It didn't come down to that.

Let's see... what else is going on.

A few random emails came through from a dating website. One from an older man (no, not the Safeway Creeper - I'm trademarking that if he really is the next wackadoo on the news) whose profile is like Donald Trump's resume and who likes to replace "o" w/ "q". Don't ask. I did. No response. A few more "hi" emails. That's all you have to say, then move along pardner (tipping my cowboy hat).

I'm sure I'll remember more stories for next week's blog. And perhaps one after my band's show tonight. I'm sure I'll have some great stories about a Halloween party at a bar. (Side note, I'm going as Det. Olivia Benson. Special Victims Unit. Keeping an eye out for perps. And pervs. I need some good material for you guys. I just need a Stabler...) And no, not a slutty detective.

Now, I'm off to shoot a wedding, in the snow. Have a happy and safe Halloween everyone!

Sunday, August 21, 2011

a 30-something in the city - adventures in online dating part 3

 I was working on some writing and have a few windows open.  A little envelope popped up on my screen alerting me to a message.  A "bet" was lost and quietguy2009 (names have been changed to protect the wackadoos) needed help w/ his "punishment."  The details were vague about the bet and no information was given on what exactly the punishment was.  So of course, I have to reply, "ok, spill it."  The bet, unimportant BUT there was great detail in email #2 on the wager.  Could I assist him in dressing up as a maid?  Complete with makeup and costume.  He already acquired some eyeshadow and lipstick but could I help w/ the smaller details and wait, it gets better... if I have anything that needs to be cleaned, that would be even better.

 Most normal people either reply "freak!" or don't reply at all.  Now, I'm not exactly the most "normal" person I know.  I mean, come on... that takes some guts to pretend to have lost a bet (yeah, the details on the punishment were waaaaaay too in-depth to be a - yo, lost a bet, can you take a pic of me dressed up as a woman?) and then to ask if I needed my house cleaned.  Hmmmm, now the thought did cross my mind that I could get a clean house out of this, BUT I wrote back, "Sorry!  I don't think I'm the right one to help you with this, but good luck!"  No response.

 The newer site isn't a total creepfest...now, I'm not saying there aren't any of your friendly neighborhood nutjobs either.  The "I don't have a photo because I am too well known" fellow is right next to the "married... but it's ok to browse" guy. And the dude w/ puppets.  Yup, puppets (or as I now want to refer to him, Yuppets).  Or the newman (Newman!) doppleganger who is looking for "casual s#x."  And of course, the no-photo "professor" who spells every other word wrong in his "want spoyled?" email.

  This is what's out there.  Hey married couples, see what your single friends are dealing with nowadays?  And relatives can now be shown these profiles the next time one asks "so, when are you going to settle down?"  Well Aunt Bertha, would you like to see profisorspoyalots page and tell me if you'd like him at our next Thanksgiving dinner across from you?  Can he get a "plus one" for his wife?

Sunday, August 14, 2011

a 30-something in the city - a black fly in your chardonnay

There he is ladies.  He looks smart, has a great smile (complete with all of his teeth AND they are almost sparkling) that he has flashed at you and says hello.  You chat for a minute or so and notice that you've just tucked your hair behind your ears when you laughed at his actually funny joke.  You sit back down with your friends and he waves when he passes by.  Your smile actually becomes slightly annoying to your table of pals finishing their drinks. 

Ahhh, an anomaly.  Good looking guy in his thirties that doesn't appear to be a playah.  You're home after your evening out and have settled in to check your Facebook.  Google... well, why not? (Yes, just admit it ladies, you look them up.  embrace the creeper in you) And then... you find out the most blah-inducing news.  MARRIED.  It's almost like a virus warning on your computer.  Flashing lights and sirens wailing.  Ok!  I get it!  Unavailable!  And you swear your laptop even said it quietly when you closed the page.  You aren't crushed but it's like you left your packed lunch out in the rain and your pb-j is soggy.  Nothing you can do.  *sigh*

We're at that age where most people are married. Or on their second or third wedding ring.  And if they aren't married, you start thinking... what's wrong?  Likes the ladies TOO much?  Has a weird "action figure" (doll) collection?  Lives w/ Mother whom he has to bring out on dates as a chaperone?  Where are the "normal" ones?  It's ok to be quirky or a little crazy (but not Norman Bates crazy).  It's even ok to have a Yoda on your desk.  A, singular, Yoda.  Not the whole cantina scene replicated in your cube, complete w/ wookie. 

So yes Alanis, it IS like a black fly in your chardonnay.

Wednesday, August 10, 2011

Girls on Film (DD)

Get your mind out of the gutter.

ok, now get it back in the gutter.

Ticketmaster informed me today is duran duran appreciation day.  in my quest of finding the right DD video... i came across - night time videos.  did anyone else know about these?  granted, i was too young back in the day but HELLO, i did NOT know that duran duran essentially made softcore porn videos to a couple of their songs.  i didn't think they could get any better!  i heart you john taylor.

 (not an X rated video)
duran duran appreciation day

Sunday, August 7, 2011

a 30-something in the city - a fair to remember

Last night a friend and I went to the 80's hair band night at the fair.  Yes, I was a wee one back in the heyday of aqua net guyliner boys and screeching guitars BUT still I had plastered my walls with pics of CC Deville and Sebastian Bach.  As it got closer to the day of the show, I got more excited thinking about how I was going to see bands I grew up swishing my hair back and forth to when I was in elementary school.  I knew I would end up, at some point that night, displaying my rock on fingers (complete w/ tongue out) for the camera sometime that night.  And yes I did.  I displayed them proudly.

Here we are, seated in a decent section.  Not far from the standing "room" on the track in front of the stage.  We randomly plotted how we could jump the guardrail and headbang our way down to the crowd.  When we weren't discussing that, we were thinking of distractions I could create so my friend could crawl under the trailer and run back to meet one of the bands.  There was no doubt in our minds that our section would be rocking out w/ their...  well, anyways.  We were wrong.

Amongst the mullets, tightly laced corset tops, Motely Crue tees (no, it wasn't a crue show), bandana-ed long hair and leather pants and slashed leggings, the two of us were the only ones actually standing up and getting down... I in my jeans, she in her leggings and tank.  The "normal" ones in our section.  Now, I must say, we had two people, our favorites, a few rows down who were singing every song... wrist bands on (apparently to catch the sweat from all the fist pumping)... and mini smooches in between power ballads.  Otherwise, most of the rows were filled w/ sedate, almost napping, late 80's throwbacks.  Wha???  Disappointed.

I was sooo ready to see some kicka$$ headbanging.  Or at least some movement. It was nice to see real lighters in the crowd during the power ballads though.  You can tell times have changed.  I remember going to shows in college and actually holding up a REAL lighter to a good song.  Nowadays, lighter apps on cell phones.  (Ok, i admit, I had my virtual BIC on.  soo much easier on the finger.)  I digress.  So we decided to be the "rebels" of our section and be the leaders.  GET UP EVERYONE.  BOB YOUR HEADS AT LEAST! We yelled at the end of songs!  We sang, sometimes the wrong lyrics!  We made our row shake with dancing!  Only in the encore did people follow suit.  Or were getting up to leave, realized there was one more song and didn't feel like sitting.   But in our heads, we started the rock revolution in section F.  ROCK ON YOU WAYWARD SONS!

Sunday, July 31, 2011

a 30-something in the city - Rules of Flirting

Flirting.  Definition: Working it.  (See Clancy's unabridged college dictionary for that one)  I've got friends who flirt and don't even realize their eyes flutter like a cartoon madame.  Friends who don't even have to.  They just lay it all out on the table (so to speak).  You. Me. Restroom. Bag of Gummy Worms.  (Maybe we don't want to know...)  And some who have researched and practiced various methods as intensely as some study medicine.  The elementary school bully and the "not even trying." And almost all of these ladies have given their hypothesis regarding the proper way to attract a guy. 

There's the smile.  The "i do declare!" smile someone flashes oh-so-innocently while sipping their mojito.  The "eye contact, smile and look away, slowly back to eye contact" approach you've read in magazines.  The faintest whisper of a giggle.  This is from the "innocent" flirter who knows what they are doing but just can't help themselves when the opportunity arises.  No pun intended.  She informs you that you aren't smiling enough.  That you have to have the perfect angle while turning your head away briefly before turning the charm up to 110%.  The Blanche Devereaux of the group.

There's the ATTACK! friend.  They think they should coach you WHILE you are talking to someone.  As if the object of your awkward flirt mcgurting can't hear them loudly whispering into the back of your head "tell him you want to put your hand in his backpocket... DO IT!" and you wince quietly and turn the same red as your Bay Breeze.  This friend has "hey baby" oozing out of every pore.  That if you want that guy you better grab him.  Literally.  Grab him. Now.  What are you waiting for?? Sam Malone in a bra and lipstick.

There's the researcher who has read every article in every women's magazine and has tried them out (whilst taking notes) and has FINALLY come to the conclusion that you should try all of them.  Now.  Play with your hair while touching his arm and winking as you purr a "you're sooo funny" in his ear.  They give you outlines and pop quizzes on what you should do in certain situations.  They critique your performance and offer, sometimes unwanted, advice on how you should have done things differently.  They Tyra Banks it by sharing their "adventures" with you even if you feel like changing the channel.

Then there's the poor sap who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to flirt like you are in third grade.  You kick him and call him a "jerk."  Punch him the arm and tell him he smells like vienna sausages.  Elaine (from Seinfeld) push him while yelling "HELL-WHOA!" after he tells a funny story about high school.  Feels the need to be a smarta$$ to everything he says.  And constantly swears off dating because "who needs it!"  The perpetual friend of all booys.  She's Lucy always taking the football away from Charlie Brown.

And of course the "was i flirting?" friend who you know deep down inside has no idea they just picked up a new creeper.  Men line up to talk to this girl and she really thinks their only intentions are to chit chat about her new purse.  This may be the only friend you have that will not offer flirting advice.  They will not judge your attempts and will refrain from giving you pointers. This friend, well, she's your Phoebe. She's the one you secretly watch and try to memorize what she just did when you saw him jot down his number and pass it across the bar.

And guys with the way they flirt... well that's a whole other blog. 

Sunday, July 24, 2011

a 30-something in the city - time to settle down?

If you are in your thirties, does that mean it's grown-up time?  Are we supposed to settle down now?  Are we supposed to settle, period?

It's a transformational era for some 30-somethings.  That, OH NO I HAVE TO BE AN ADULT NOW epiphany.  There's some sort of timer when your 29 that says, this is the last year I can have fun and do what I want.  Is it though?  The day of your 30th birthday, does that mean you should be trolling every dating website, creeping at supermarkets and bars and asking every friend if they have any singletons handy? Subscriptions to every match, fish, chemisty, russian bride site imaginable on your birthday list. Can we relax and let nature take it's course?

This age means you've more than likely had relationships you NEVER want to repeat and, perhaps, have a better understanding of what you DO want.  You've become "you."  You know what you like, what you don't, and hopefully are what you want to be when you grow up. So, yes, maybe it's time to hang up the "player" persona and look for some quality over quantity.  But that's not always a bad thing.  Doesn't mean you should have wedding invites ready... just need to insert a name here and there.  You can still go out, have fun looking and see what's out there.  So, cancel your order for 12 doves and 100 pounds of jordan almonds.  It can wait.

Those of you 30-somethings that do have on matrimony goggles, that doesn't mean you should settle.  Now, if your dream man is Johnny Depp... literally Johnny Depp, then maybe you should reconsider your MUST HAVE list.  I'm not too picky.  I'll take either Ewan McGregor or Jon Hamm.  But seriously, just because you want to start a family life soon, doesn't mean you have to give a second or third thought about that smooth dancer on the dancefloor, jerking uncontrollably w/ his hand placed firmly, and I mean FIRMLY, on your buttocks and think, "can I get past the fact he kind of looks like Rumpelstiltskin?"  Or some sort of creepy goatee wearing leprechaun.  And do you really need to be married within the next year or two?  Be Kurt and Goldie. 

NO LADIES, you don't have to settle.  You can reevaluate.  But you don't have to settle.  Yes, Johnny Depp is beautiful, but maybe look for an artistic guy w/ a great fedora.  Guys, you can still look for that supermodel who just happens to be at the Phyrst, but honestly, you probably won't find her.  Don't just settle for this girl or that girl because she's ok and available. Remember, it's quality, not quantity.  If there aren't fireworks and opera singers upon eyes locking in on each other for the first time, that's ok.  Just as long as there is a spark when you have that first kiss.  (Hopefully it was a sober snog.) 

Saturday, February 12, 2011

lazy saturdays


i miss waking up at 6:30 to cook eggs (my dad taught me how) or baaad pancakes, turning on Action News for Kids and waiting for the cartoons to start.  Spiderman and Friends, X-Men, The Get Along Gang, Kid Video...  Glued to the telly waiting for Zack Morris.  Spending all day shopping w/ my parents.  Me and my three dolls that went everywhere w/ me:  Drowsy, Grumpy Bear and Cornelius Christie (my cabbage patch).  My mom making them mischievous (never knowing what they did that made them nervous if a cop car pulled up next to us... my dolls, not my parents).  If it was hunting season, mom would say "LAY DOWN!" when driving thru a wooded area (for fear of stray bullets). The unnatural fear i  had that my Hug-A-Bunch doll would somehow fly out of the cracked window (i get car sick) and fall into the water down by the railroad.  ohh nostalgia.  hmm...   this explains a lot.  :)

Sunday, January 16, 2011

my sweet girl

just saw black swan today.  i'd been waiting and waiting to see it.  got sick this weekend.  had to put it off but damnit, i went today!  fan.tastic.  i must go see again to really absorb it.  of course i have my weird little theory about certain parts.  and it's tough when sitting between two gigglers.  i really get engrossed in movies.  to the point where i forget to blink at times and my contacts dry out.  and it's tough watching a scene that is so intense and so crazy and you hear giggling!  love the crew i went w/ but i'm more of a "shhhh don't talk until over" person.  or the occasional look at each other and do the "you see that??" and back to the movie.

so, attempting to go again.  hopefully soon.

if you saw it, let me know what you thought. 

Saturday, January 15, 2011

saturday morning

stuffed up.  tired.  sick of being sick.  yes, this blog is going to be riddled w/ complaints.  it's what i do.  i do it well.  professional bitcher.  BA in Biotching.

pandora radio is playing.  trying to clean.  damn computer keeps drawing me back in.  like right now.  i have a stack of laundry to put away.  i started.  then stopped.  to write this.  ADD in it's finest today.

another random thought.  i watched a movie last night.  or tried to.  it's very hard for me to turn off a movie and really not give a rat's ass about the end.  this one last night... what a disappointment.  written by john krasinski.  i thought, i like jim.  this should be good.  tried to be woody allen.  i love woody allen but let's leave woody to woody.  all over the place.  this constant "and then, you know what i told them??  you ready??"  then nothing.  next scene.  i'm all for suspense but you're annoying me after the second or third time you've done it.

oh jim.  no more woody-esque movies ok?

Friday, January 14, 2011

been a while

sick again.  always a cold or sinus infection or tonsillitis.  blah.

my parents once told me that a person named bob lived with us until i was born.  then he left.  for years they told me this story and my brother and sister went along w/ it.  then i brought it up years later.  and they look at me like i'm crazy.  i think they let me in on the joke once but i can't remember.  leave it to me to not remember why my family played a 15 year-long prank on me.

and some vampire weekend just for shits and giggles.