Sunday, July 31, 2011

a 30-something in the city - Rules of Flirting

Flirting.  Definition: Working it.  (See Clancy's unabridged college dictionary for that one)  I've got friends who flirt and don't even realize their eyes flutter like a cartoon madame.  Friends who don't even have to.  They just lay it all out on the table (so to speak).  You. Me. Restroom. Bag of Gummy Worms.  (Maybe we don't want to know...)  And some who have researched and practiced various methods as intensely as some study medicine.  The elementary school bully and the "not even trying." And almost all of these ladies have given their hypothesis regarding the proper way to attract a guy. 

There's the smile.  The "i do declare!" smile someone flashes oh-so-innocently while sipping their mojito.  The "eye contact, smile and look away, slowly back to eye contact" approach you've read in magazines.  The faintest whisper of a giggle.  This is from the "innocent" flirter who knows what they are doing but just can't help themselves when the opportunity arises.  No pun intended.  She informs you that you aren't smiling enough.  That you have to have the perfect angle while turning your head away briefly before turning the charm up to 110%.  The Blanche Devereaux of the group.

There's the ATTACK! friend.  They think they should coach you WHILE you are talking to someone.  As if the object of your awkward flirt mcgurting can't hear them loudly whispering into the back of your head "tell him you want to put your hand in his backpocket... DO IT!" and you wince quietly and turn the same red as your Bay Breeze.  This friend has "hey baby" oozing out of every pore.  That if you want that guy you better grab him.  Literally.  Grab him. Now.  What are you waiting for?? Sam Malone in a bra and lipstick.

There's the researcher who has read every article in every women's magazine and has tried them out (whilst taking notes) and has FINALLY come to the conclusion that you should try all of them.  Now.  Play with your hair while touching his arm and winking as you purr a "you're sooo funny" in his ear.  They give you outlines and pop quizzes on what you should do in certain situations.  They critique your performance and offer, sometimes unwanted, advice on how you should have done things differently.  They Tyra Banks it by sharing their "adventures" with you even if you feel like changing the channel.

Then there's the poor sap who thinks it's perfectly acceptable to flirt like you are in third grade.  You kick him and call him a "jerk."  Punch him the arm and tell him he smells like vienna sausages.  Elaine (from Seinfeld) push him while yelling "HELL-WHOA!" after he tells a funny story about high school.  Feels the need to be a smarta$$ to everything he says.  And constantly swears off dating because "who needs it!"  The perpetual friend of all booys.  She's Lucy always taking the football away from Charlie Brown.

And of course the "was i flirting?" friend who you know deep down inside has no idea they just picked up a new creeper.  Men line up to talk to this girl and she really thinks their only intentions are to chit chat about her new purse.  This may be the only friend you have that will not offer flirting advice.  They will not judge your attempts and will refrain from giving you pointers. This friend, well, she's your Phoebe. She's the one you secretly watch and try to memorize what she just did when you saw him jot down his number and pass it across the bar.

And guys with the way they flirt... well that's a whole other blog. 

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